What is Jealousy and Envy?
It is true what they say; comparison is the thief of joy. And to add to that, jealousy and envy are the chains holding you back. They’re two different things, but they intertwine like h*ll, and I’m sure you can agree—they don’t feel good. You feel terrible, and in most cases, it’s your own doing. But I want to help with that and show you how to stop being jealous and envious. I don’t think I’ve ever been a super envious or jealous person, but I’ve felt it, and as of the past two years, I rarely feel that way. It’s easier said than done, but let’s unpack what jealousy and envy are.
Jealous(y) is feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages. Envy is a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck. See? Extremely connected.
To give an example, there’s this girl who has a boyfriend. You may feel jealous of her relationship, and you envy her because of it. You can be jealous without envy, and it’s definitely the better place to be. Envy is that part of you that “hates” her for having a boyfriend—it’s the feeling you don’t want because resenting others hurts you more than it hurts them. I can promise you that.
I use this example because I had a friend with similar feelings—jealous of those in a relationship. We were talking about the song jealousy, jealousy by Olivia Rodrigo, which inspired this blog. It had been a few years since it came out, and I was sharing how I no longer related to the song anymore, and she felt the complete opposite. She mentioned being jealous of other teenage girls our age. For more context, it’s junior year of high school, and neither of us were having the “ideal” high school experience. I remember trying to talk her out of it because, honestly, it’s a rough headspace to be in and I wanted to help her learn how to stop being jealous and envious.
I no longer talk to this girl (if you know, you know), but I hope she has gotten out of that mindset or is working through it. Friends or not, I want the best for her. Maybe one day she’ll come across this post, and it’ll mean something to her.
Why You Feel Jealous and/or Envious
Let’s get into why you’re feeling this way and how to stop being jealous and envious. It’s because of a sense of lack. You feel as if you’re missing something—and because of this, you feel less than. Now, you’re inclined to believe that being without this thing automatically makes you lesser and that right there is your biggest fault. You are quite literally the reason for your own jealousy and envy. These feelings don’t start outside of you but rather within you. It started with you, and nothing outside of you can change that; only you can.
Do not, I repeat, do not allow something outside of you to shape how you feel about yourself. Going back to the example from before, you are not less than, unworthy, or unlovable because you do not have a boyfriend or significant other. And someone else having a significant other doesn’t put them on some pedestal. So please, drop that ideology. It makes zero sense. The things you have or have acquired do not define you. Don’t let it decide your worth or ruin your self-esteem. Read these last few sentences over: The things you have or do not have do not determine your worth. They do not create you. You decide that.
Believing otherwise isn’t an option, and I want you to stop that.
I’m not saying I have the perfect self-esteem—because I don’t. I’ve also let things outside of me determine how I feel about myself. But I’m unlearning that, and I want you to unlearn that as well. That’s why I’m writing this, showing you how to stop being jealous and envious.
How to Stop Feelings of Jealousy and Envy
Once reaching that understanding—the lack of something doesn’t shape you—it’s easier to let go of feelings of jealousy and envy. You’re now aware that things outside of you don’t determine your value, and you understand that this goes for others as well. With that being said, you’re no longer putting others above yourself; they’re no longer on a pedestal. You’re in a state of neutrality. And from that state, you can start to extract those feelings of jealousy and envy. Here we have, a plethora of ways how to stop being jealous:
1. Celebrate the Success of Others
Cut out that bitter nonsense, and rather than be envious of someone, celebrate them! Be happy for them and their accomplishments. Give your friend a pat on the back for getting that job! Wish happiness for your cousin who just got engaged! Let go of bitterness!
2. You Too, Can Have That Thing
Once you’ve taken this person or thing you want off of the pedestal, it’s no longer unattainable. Therein, why would you be jealous over something you’re capable of acquiring? And why would you envy someone when you could experience the same? Anything they can do, you can do [better]. This is something that helped me a great deal. I simply stopped putting others on the pedestal and stopped looking at them as better than me or me as less than others. At the end of the day, they’re a person just like you.
3. Stop Being Self-Absorbed
A hard pill to swallow: maybe you think about yourself way too much. Maybe that would explain why you’re so envious. Example: What does someone else’s accomplishment have to do with you? Sure, there can be instances in which you are directly involved, but this isn’t your win. And that’s fine. Let them have this! Shift your perspective and realize that the success of others doesn’t hurt you. If anything, take it as motivation!
4. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
Easier than done; trust me, I know this, but at least try. This piggybacks off of my last point of not being so self-obsessed. The great Hannah Montana said it best: “Nobody’s perfect,” so stop acting as if people are. And stop dissecting yourself in comparison to them. Another thing Miss Montana said was, “I’m just an ordinary girl.” Everyone is just as normal as you are, so stop giving people godlike statuses based on appearances. No one has everything, and comparing yourself to others is nothing but a constant reminder of what you don’t have. So why do it? Unless you like picking yourself apart—which is a post for another day.
5. Express Gratitude
It’s cliche; it’s what everyone says, but, seriously, be grateful for what you have. While you may think what you have is nothing, to another, you have the world. Start small and corny by just being grateful to be alive. Be grateful you have air to breathe and food and water to drink. You have to look on the bright side of things. It’s not all that bad.
6. Working Towards What You Want
Jealousy and envy imply a sense of lack. We’ve identified this; the next step is changing that. Figure out what exactly you desire and make it happen. No more complaining. If you truly wanted it, you would be working towards it. It’s not unattainable. It’s not impossible.
Having a Safe Space
I want to mention the song jealousy, jealousy once more before I close out this post. The song came out in 2021. I’m 15 years old, gearing up for my sophomore year of high school, which would also be my first year in person due to the lockdown. I was hooked on the album SOUR from the jump, and the relatability of it all made me like it even more. The songs brutal and jealousy, jealousy stuck out to me the most as they represented how I felt that year.
Both songs tackle unrealistic standards put on youth, more specifically teenage girls, and how challenging those years can be. While I don’t relate to those songs anymore, they certainly helped with the angst I felt, and it felt good to be seen.
And like that song for me, I want those of you to feel seen when reading this post. My tone throughout this post may be a bit strict and no-nonsense, but this is a judgment-free zone. I’m only this way because I know how it feels to be in such a negative headspace. I’m very passionate about such topics, and I want this blog to be a safe space for those struggling with self-esteem. Connecting is also important, so please feel free to share your experiences in the comments or reach out!
If I didn’t say it before, thank you for reading this post and taking the time to go through it. I hope it provided value, and now you know how to stop being jealous and envious. Maybe a light bulb switched on. Knowing that even one person reads this and takes something from it means a lot to me. Thank you.
